M. Mert Yıldıran
3 min readJan 27, 2020


Today, I’m gonna talk about an imaginary coworker of mine who nicknamed Takao.

Takao is a wannabe computer programer who has no academic background whatsoever and identifies himself as a PHP/Laravel developer.

Takao has no understanding of \n character, traditional line-separator LINE-FEED (LF) in Unix-like systems, and thinks that cat has a bug because he expects a new line between the texts when he concatenated two files with no \n characters at the end of the file using cat.

Takao uses Fedora without even knowing why he uses it instead of other Linux distros.

Takao uses PhpStorm. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Takao chooses GNOME over KDE. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Takao has zero knowledge about git reset, squashing, tagging or resolving conflicts.

Takao thinks Quora is superior to Stack Overflow (or Stack Exchange in general) in terms of correctness and reliability.

Takao was trying to write a crawler to scrap some data from a government website and asked me about an error something like “key length is too short” related to OpenSSL. I said that because the server has an old insecure SSL version like 3.0 or 2.0 and it might be vulnerable to POODLE attack. Then he advertised himself to CEO as the one who found a vulnerability in that government website.

Takao thinks I do not know what fail2ban is.

Takao cannot establish a connection to an L2TP over IPsec, I help him and he successfully connected.

Takao thinks yum and legit pip packages fucks up his system.

Takao assumes that Rust is superior to every other programming language in the world, in every aspect, while he has zero experience with Rust.

Takao hears vlang and Verona from some news sites. Then tries to assert dominance over me with this knowledge.

Takao mispronounces pretty much every English word in his vocabulary, like syntax as sit-nax because of his low IQ.

Takao has a picture with interior minister of Turkey and he thinks he has equal power to interior minister of Turkey because of that picture.

Takao’s contribution graph:

My contribution graph:

Takao was calling me chief.

Yesterday, I described his DevOps non-engineer friend(nicknamed Half-Man), a double-man who does not know how to develop a software.

Now Takao calls me noob. ಠ_ಠ

All of this sarcastic circle-jerkingness of Takao, caused me to start the development of a new programming language called The Chaos Programming Language. Because I need to prove that to the whole world that it’s possible to create a new programming language for a Turkish computer programmer, not decades, not years but in months…

Special thanks to this imaginary friend of mine, (づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ Takao.